The Army of Darkness

Hail to the king baby!!!! If you have never seen this movie, go rite now, go buy it, watch it, fall in love with it, and enjoy its greatness. This movie is one of my all time favorite movies. So much that if someone were to tell me they hate this movie I'm ready to fight. Everything about this movie is amazing!!! Bruce Campbell is my hero and does a fantastic job in this movie. If you don't know about this movie let me fill ya in, for you are truly deprived. Now you don't have to see Evil Dead one or two to get this movie but it does help. In those two movies Ash finds the book of the dead, which brings evil spirits to life and attacks him and his bud's. Now in the second Evil Dead the evil gets into his had and he chops it off with a chainsaw. That is why Ash doesn't have a rite hand. So anyway at the start of this movie the book of the dead sends Ash back in time to the middle ages. He is then made a slave, and sent to the pit to die. He of course kicks ass and shows those primitive animals what a real man looks like, with a little help from his boom stick, cause he shopped smart, he shopped S Mart. Now the mid evil peeps set him free and like him telling him about the book of the dead and where he can find it, so he can get back to his time. He goes on a little adventure to find it. There are some pretty sweet scenes before the gets to the book, and an evil Ash is even replicated, in which the good Ash kills and chops up. Once he gets to the book of the dead, he kind of doesn't say all of the syllables of the words he is supposed to say to get home. So instead the book brings the army of the dead back to life to take the castle. Ash then rounds up the troops at the castle to fight the dead army, which is lead by the reincarnated evil Ash. The real Ash beats down their miserable bag of bones and is then sent back to his time. This is supposed to be somewhat of a horror movie but overall its just an amazing comedy. I can't say enough good about this movie. It has everything anyone could ever want. It has a she bitch, a boom stick, the army of the dead, two Bruce Campbell's, a mister fancy pants, and an old Buick with a steam engine. See what's not to love!!!!

Rating: 5 Yeti roars out of 5

Bachelor Party

"Boy George is cancelling his concert because he has a yeast infection". Tom Hanks is amazing in any movie he is in, and this is no exception. This movie is everything you want and could ask for in a 80's comedy. It is funny, witty, and well written. Tom hanks plays Rick, a somewhat underachiever who drives school bus and is in love with Debbie. The movie starts out with Rick getting all of his buddies together and announces he is getting married to Debbie. All of his buddies then decide it's time for one more night of freedom with a bachelor party. After this scene Rick is hanging out with Debbie and her parents who are a very proper rich couple, pretty much the complete opposite of Rick, so of course you can guess that they don't very much like him. Instead they like Cole, the preppy ass who they want their daughter to marry. The rest of the movie is the bachelor party and Cole trying to ruin it and ruin Ricks chances with Debbie. The party gets all crazy with hookers, a band, and even a donkey. So without ruining all the jokes of the movie go watch it for yourself. This is definitely a watch, so go, what are you waiting for, go enjoy it.

Rating: 4 Yeti roars out of 5

Death Race 2

Well this is what you would expect.... a bad sequel. But wait change of pace America this is not what you think, instead it's a bad prequel. It was a surprise to me to see a prequel and in fact it made the movie a little bit better. If you never saw the first movie I would tell you to defiantly watch that movie first and just skip this movie. I actually enjoyed the remake of Death Race starting Jason Statham. Because of the first movie being a good watch is the only reason why I gave this movie a shot. Now the acting is bad and the race sequences in this movie don't live up the first. The only shining light of this movie is Danny Trejo, simply because he is amazing. I always love to watch Danny in his small roles and always thought he adds something to the movies he is in. The main character Carl "Luke" Lucas is a getaway man who goes along with a bank robbery job, gets caught and then gets sent to Terminal island. Now the movie takes place in the future and in the future all prison systems are privately owned, because of this Terminal island holds death fights for profit. At one point in the movie Carl gets into a car and drives around the island. Now he didn't steal the car or anything but instead the inmates are used as cheap labor to fix them up and sell them. As he is driving around the evil bad lady who runs the death fights sees him and decides that death fights are not getting enough audience hits and creates death race. The concept is if the prisoner wins 5 races they will be set free but there is always the chance they can die. Carl wins 2 races and on the third he gets caught in a car fire, survives and is then forced to become a new driver called Frankenstein. At this point the movie ends and leads into the first movie. If you enjoyed the first movie I would say give this one a shot, otherwise just pass on it. 

Rating: 2 Yeti roars out of 5 

The Green Lantern

As far as green superheros go, the Green Hornet is way cooler, but I do have to say that the Green Lantern is pretty cool too. Now I know nothing about the Green Lantern comics, so with that I really had no reference in which to judge this movie. So instead I just sat back and allowed myself not to think, not to  have high hopes, and just be entertained. By the end of the movie I would have to say that I was definitely entertained and not disappointed. I enjoyed watching the special effects and the neat fighter jet scene. I do find Ryan Reynolds to be more of a 'funny man' kind of actor, but thought he did a fairly good job as the Green Lantern. I also enjoyed the plot concept of willpower vs. fear. I think it has real world applications and I'm sure everyone can relate to an experience when they had to use willpower to overcome a fear. So in that sense everyone is as cool as the Green Lantern. Especially the 40 some year old guy who sat in front of me at the theater wearing his Green Lantern t-shirt and replica ring, but he was there with a lady so I guess that means miracles do happen right. Now to explain the plot I'm going to use very general concepts cause all of the names in this movie are very "alieny" and I can't remember any of them. OK here we go, Hal Jordan is a great fighter pilot who only thinks of himself and blew it with his love along time ago. She is also the daughter of the man who Hal flys plains for, so they still get to see each other. The primary villan is a giant head thing, which gets its power from fear. He escapes his imprisonment, then starts destroying planets and kills one of the Green Lanterns, who lands on earth before dying. The ring then chooses Hal who becomes the new Green Lantern. He is flown up to the planet where all the lanterns are, and taught how to use his powers and there he is told he will never live up to his predecessor. Back on earth, an animal biologist completes an autopsy on the dead alien, and becomes infected from remnants of the flying head in the dead Lantern's body and turns into an evil big head guy himself. This new sidekick of the flying heas is also in love with the same lady as Hal which makes for so a small fight at the end of the movie for her. Hal defeats the big head guy and then has to defeat the giant floating head fear guy. There is also the story line of Hal wanting to quit being a Green Lantern but he can't, finding himself and overcoming, and the whole love story thing. Now I can't say that I would go out and buy this movie but it's still a definite rent for ya. So put on your green tights get out your sweet replica ring and let your green light shine on.

Rating: 3 Yeti Roars out of 5

The Evil Dead

I have to say that I am conflicted about this movie. You see overall this isn't that great of a movie, but Bruce Campbell has a very special place in my heart and I love any movie he is in, cause it's Bruce "F'ing" Campbell. Plus one of my all time favorite movies is Army of Darkness, and if you don't know Army of Darkness is the third movie in the evil dead series. There is an evil dead one and two, and then they used the same character Ash and made the epic Army of Darkness movie, which isn't anything like the Evil Dead serious. Now you do have to keep in mind this movie was made in 1982 and for its time I would imagine its pretty good. The story its self is simple, a group of friends go to a creepy cabin in the woods. They find this book called the necronomicon or the book of the dead, which is bound in human flesh. After listing to a tape from the man who had found it first and since died, all the evil spirits are released onto Ash(Bruce's character) and his friends. The first to go is one of the girls who goes out into the woods and is implanted with the evil by the evil trees, scary rite. She turns into this crazy witch zombie person and goes back to attack the cabin. Slowly they are all turned into zombies except Ash who kicks ass and saves the day. The bad make up and clay animation just make this movie something to laugh at. The lacking plot and very stale acting bring the movie down, but who cares it Bruce Campbell and he is the man. So put it in, and watch Bruce kick some book of the dead ass!!!!
Rating: 3 Yeti roars out of 5

Porky's

I had watched this movie about ten years ago when I was a younger lad and even then I hated this movie. Well, I got Porky's in a movie three pack, and I have to tell you I still hate this movie. I don't know why anyone would like this movie, but I do know a lot of people seem to like it, so I guess go ahead and check it out for yourself. Yes it does have the famous 'Peeping Tom' shower scene, but if you ask me it's not that great. First off all the girls in the movie are not hot or even somewhat good looking, and most of the scene all you see is the fat girl's ass. And if I wanted to see a fat ass I would just look at my own in a mirror, so move your ass and I guess let's look at the bad looking naked girls. Now seeing that this movie is a raunchy comedy it does have some funny scenes, but as they are few and are only a cheap laugh, who really cares, not me that's who. If you really want to know the premise some kids want to get laid, they go to Porky's redneck strip joint (with even uglier looking women, who look like if you were to even touch them you would have to see the doctor the next day for some cream and ointment, cause you def. just got the clap), and end up getting ripped off and kicked out. Then when they go back to get even they get their asses kicked, when finally at the end of the movie they get even. So if you like simple sex jokes, bad bad looking women, and fat rednecks then this movie is for you, but if you like to actually watch a good movie stay far far away.
Rating: 1 Yeti roars out of 5

The Rite

What we have here is another movie about exorcism that is supposedly based on a true story. Now why is it that everytime you watch a movie about exorcism it is based on a true story. Yea I guess it adds to the creepy aspect of the movie, but come on is anyone buying it? I have a hard time believing it, the only way I would believe you that there is a full fledged demon inside of you is if you just ate at Taco Bell, cause let’s be honest after you eat that future toilet explosion it takes over your body like something fierce. Now that little rant brings us full circle to the story of this movie. You see it starts out with Michael, who grew up the son of a mortician. The point is made that everyone in Michael's family grows up to be a mortician or priest, so he sets off to study the art of religion and become a priest. It shoots four years ahead when he has finished his studies and is ready to take his final vows, but he renounces his beliefs and is looking to drop out. The head priest talks to him and convinces him to go to Rome and take an exorcism class. Now did you know that you take a class to become an exorcist, well according to this move it is more than just splashing some holy water and book reading. You have to find out the demon's name, know who really is possessed and who isn't, and some other stuff that's not important. I think that if you turn all crazy, have you head turn fully around and talk in a crazy demon voice you’re probably possessed, or you just watched a Tom Cruise movie and went completely stupid from how bad his movies are. Well anyway Michael goes to Rome and meets Father Lucas played by the one and only Anthony Hopkins, who takes him along with him on his adventures of fighting demons and such. Father Lucas shows Michael the way, who is still all unsure of this religion demon thing, by casting out some demons and showing Michael acts of god. Now I did find this movie to be thought provoking, I myself am very unsure of the whole exorcism belief but it is something to think about. Throughout the movie the two try to help this nice young Roman lady, who even brings them bread the first time you see her in the movie. Which is nice, kind of funny if you think about it, "so yea, I have this demon inside of me, he helped my make this bread for you Father, so enjoy it when your eating your sandwich. Now splash some holy water on me and let’s do this!!!". At least that's what came to my mind when I saw the whole 'thanks for exorcism, here is some bread' scene. Anyway the movie goes on with the 'I believe, I don't believe' story line until Father Lucas himself gets possessed by a demon. Now the rest of the movie Father Lucas is possessed and only has underwear and a robe on like he just doesn't want to get up and face the day. He must be possessed by an 'I hate Mondays' lazy demon. Now it's up to Michael to save him and fight the demon. Overall this movie is good, a definite rent, and one of the better modern day horror suspense movies I have seen. So get out your holy water and crucifix and enjoy watching Anthony Hopkins bitch slap a little girl in his underwear (mind you he was possessed by a demon when he did it so don't hate Anthony for it, hate that bastard demon).

Rating: 31/2 Yeti roars out of 5

The Goods: Live Hard Sell Hard

If I were to start out and tell you all about the plot of this movie, I'm sure you would just read it, think about it for a whole two seconds and then realise how it really doesn't sound like a good movie what so ever. So before you judge the plot of the movie, I should tell you that this movie is actually a pretty good comedy. It makes you laugh and some time's you even laugh out load. Now this is the second time I watched this movie and after finishing it I remember it being better. So with that I would recommend watching this movie once and then move on. Now the plot of this movie is simple, a used car dealership is hurting for business and they call in Don Ready (played by Jeremy Piven) the smoothest talking sales man and his team. They come in sell all the cars on the lot in one big weekend sale and save the dealership. See told you, sounds stupid, but give it a try, the jokes are pretty good and the sweet boy band Big Up's in it, is O so sweet. Hey they even opened for O Town. You see the competitor is trying to buy out the lot Don Ready is trying to save, so that his boy can practice with his "Man" band.  So without giving away all of the jokes go check it out and enjoy.

Rating: 3 Yeti roars out of 5

127 Hours

If this movie wasn't based off one man's remarkable story, it would be pretty boring. Some guy gets trapped by a boulder and waits 127 hours before he decides he better cut off the old arm to live. But because it is based off of one guy's actual life story, it is really quite amazing to think about. What if you got your arm stuck with no way of getting it out, in some remote cavern, and no one is around to help you. Would you be able to survive for so long and then finally decide it's time to lose the old arm, and it's his right arm too. Now I'm right handed and I suck at life when I try to use my left hand, and I would loose my sweet tattoo on my right arm in the process too, which would suck ass. In the movie when Aron finally decides to break his arm and then cut it off using a dull multi-tool knife, it really is the coolest scene of the movie. The movie its self is slow. Aron (played by James Franco, who does do a good job) is just a guy who loves to do the whole hikin' and bikin' thing, and tells no one about where he is going or what he is doing. He goes out to hike around, meets up with some nice ladies, show them around and then sets out on his own. He steps on a boulder, it slips, he falls, and it crushes his arm. Now you watch for the next hour as he freaks out, day dreams, and realises how much of an ass he has been. It's somewhat interesting but slow, if you're like me just waiting to see how he cuts off the arm. Once he does he gets out and meets up with some nearby hikers, who call the authorities and get him a helicopter out of there. The movie makes you think at the end when it shows the real Aron with his wife and son. It shows how he still is an avid mountain climber and lives life to the fullest. It truly is a remarkable story and the movie is well done. The only question remaining is if the real Aron ever went back to collect his arm or not, I know I would want to.
Rating: 2 Yeti roars out of 5

Revenge of the Nerds

Well it's Friday night, nothing on TV and no new movies for you to watch. You have let the whiskey flow and the Jameson is starting to take affect. You're thinking I could go for a movie that is funny, classic, and has a panty raid. That's right, it's time to bust out the classic 80's movie Revenge of the Nerds. I am a nerd and am proud of it. Now if I am remembering right, I do believe this is the first movie I watched as a kid that had the female genitalia in it. So I guess you could say the movie has a small special place in my heart. With 80's jokes, boobs and muff, how could you not love this movie. It is funny and a heartfelt movie that allows you to love the nerds, as they are kicked out of their dorm and forced to live in the gym, and also suffer nerd criticism. They finally find a house and fix it up and even get an all-black fraternity to sponsor them, so they may compete in the college Olympics and take control of the Greek council. Which we all know will then allow them to have complete control over the school and be able to put up a big nerdy finger to the cool jocks. The only problem I have with this movie is why is Lamar considered a nerd? Now if you haven't seen the movie all the nerds look and act like the title they are given, that is except one, Lamar. Now Lamar is the only black nerd in the movie and he is gay. There isn't any clue as to him being smart and he doesn't dress like a nerd, but like a very stereotypical gay man. Now does being gay in the 80's mean you are a nerd or what???? Or is it supposed to be a deeper meaning and that in the 80's if you were gay you're an outcast just like nerds. Maybe that's it, but either way "f-it", whether gay, nerd, or cool jock we all love 80's boobs rite!!!

Rating: 4 Yeti roars out of 5 

Gulliver's Travels

Well this is a classic example of an 'ok' movie. I saw it once and now I'm good for the rest of my life. If I never see this movie again I won't feel bad, and if I have to watch it again at anytime then fine, it's not that bad of a movie. The premise is childish, but then again it's a childish movie. Gulliver is a quiet man who works in the mail room at the New York Times. He has a crush on a lady, but is too scared to do anything. He fakes being a traveling writer to impress the lovely lady and ends up getting a writing job in the Bermuda Triangle. He gets caught up in a whirlwind water thing and placed in a world where he is a giant beast man. At first Gulliver is hated, then loved, and then found to be a lie after which he finally grows a pair and saves the day. All of the small movie references in this movie keep my interest and allowed me to have a small chuckle once in a while. So I would say if your bored one night and all of your friends are busy and you're left with the choice between watching another rerun of Jersey shore (which come on Snookie has been passed around and over enough that you don't need to watch her) or crying and self pleasure, then pop in Gulliver's Travel and enjoy the Star Wars jokes. 

Rating: 2 Yeti roars out of 5 

Hellraiser

I am a huge horror movie buff and by far Hellraiser is my all time favorite horror movie. Everything in this movie I love, even the now cheesy clay animation of Frank coming back to life, to the stale acting of the father and mother. But by far the best part of this movie are all of Pinhead's amazing lines!!! "No tears my child, it's a waste of good suffering" Awww hell yea, he did just say that shit!! Now if you don't know the premise of this movie let me fill you in. There is this puzzle box, when you open it you can ether go to heaven or hell. Seeing that this is Hellraiser everyone goes to hell. Frank opens the box first and is whisked away to hell to taste all of the good suffering. He escapes hell and is slowly being transformed back into a human form from the blood of others. Frank opened the box in his parents' old house and after he is placed in hell his brother and his family moves into the house. You find out Frank had a little love fling a ling with the wife and she starts bringing him victims. The daughter Kirsty finds the box in the house and when she is brought to hell she convinces the cenobites to send her back, if she gives them Frank. Once she figures out where Frank is she sets up a meeting and when Pinhead comes to get him back, he sends out lots of flying hooks that rip his face into lots of glorious pieces, but before Franks face is given a fit for hell makeover he delivers the best line of the movie.... "Jesus wept". Snap, that just happened. Of course there are seven more movies in this series, but this movie is the one and only true Pinhead.

Rating: 5 yeti roars out of 5

I Spit On Your Grave

To start I am compelled to inform anyone who thinks it might be a good idea to watch this movie, that there is a 20 minute long rape scene. That's right 20 minutes way too long. No graphic rape scene is cool in a movie. In my opinion there is no need for a rape scene at all. I get that it can add to the plot and yea yea yea. Just do like mom used to do and kill a family member or something to get the main character mad at you, there is no need to rape them. With that said if the rape scene in this movie would have been a minute long and shot from a distance with just a quick screen shot of a sign that reads " Rape scene", then this would have been a good movie, that is as far as horror movies go. The beginning of the movie just makes you laugh with the very stereotypical southern hick gas station worker and creepy cabin. And the ending does include some pretty cool revenge scenes, with eyeballs being cut out, skin being burned with lye, and even the man who did what all should never dare do to a woman, who gets what's coming to him, and now can't pee standing up if you know what I mean (if you don't know what I mean, he gets his penis cut off). After watching this movie I now swear that I will never again knowingly watch another 'rapey' movie. It ruined this whole movie and turned what could have been a promising horror flick into a complete shit can of a movie. Dare I say "I spit on the grave" of this movie.

Rating: 0 yeti roars out of 5

Fast Five

It's a sad fact that the only thing modern day American cinema can put out is sequel after sequel. So I'm sure just like me you were ecstatic to see, wait what's that, another fast and furious movie. Actually to be real I enjoyed the first movie a lot, but seeing that they followed that movie up with horrible sequels, I wasn't to impressed to hear about a fast five. Now overall this movie isn't too bad, but its definately not going to win any awards, and if you are going to see it I'm sure your not looking for it to. If you go into this movie with no expectations, then you can get over Paul Walker's horrible acting ( which come on people it sucks, I mean holy shit who gave this a guy a career, I'm pretty sure Ludacris just out acted yo ass, holla) and the lack of a plot and just enjoy the cars going fast, explosions and Brazilian women, then you can actually like this movie. But wait there is one little gem to this movie, The Rock fights Vin Diesel. What!!! I just came in my pants thinking about it again. That's right ladies, you get to see these two steroid shooting hunks go at it!!! I know it is hot. So if you want to be entertained, enjoy some cars and explosions and not have to think, then sit down, buckle up, and watch bad acting in Brazil.
Rating: 3 Yeti roars out of 5

Buried

This is the horrible piece of cinema that makes me want to blog. Oh Ryan Reynolds how I love you, but what where you thinking when you decided you needed the money for this bag of garbage. If you are anyone who knows what a good movie looks like, then I'm sure you will agree this is not that movie. I've never sat through a more disappointing movie (well that's not true, Twilight did just ruin vampire movies forever). If anyone actually wants to see this movie, let me save you an hour and half. Just watch the first 5 minutes and last 5 minutes. It's alright I'll wait, go watch it. There you're back, k, so I'll fill ya in that the 80 minutes you didn't watch, nothing changes. It's just him laying in a box in the ground. Sure he matures from using a lighter to a cell phone and finally a glow stick, but no one should have to suffer through that 80 minutes of total hell. Finally we get to the ending. Now just when you woke up from your nap and see he is still in the box you think "So maybe there will be a sweet ending where he gets out and kills the kidnapper and make the whole crappy movie worth it". Nope he gets a phone call and dies. HE DIES, end of movie. What you're telling me you used up all your good ideas by coming up with the lighter and cell phone aspects of the movie and had nothing left for an entertaining ending. Guess it was getting close to happy hour at the local Applebee's when the writer decided a Cosmo was better than thinking of a decent ending. And for that I say don't watch this movie, skip right over it and don't hurt your brain by trying to process how you just wasted 90 minutes of you life this way. Instead do what the creators did and get completely wasted and kill all your brain cells that way instead.
Rating: 1 Yeti roar out of 5