The Army of Darkness

Hail to the king baby!!!! If you have never seen this movie, go rite now, go buy it, watch it, fall in love with it, and enjoy its greatness. This movie is one of my all time favorite movies. So much that if someone were to tell me they hate this movie I'm ready to fight. Everything about this movie is amazing!!! Bruce Campbell is my hero and does a fantastic job in this movie. If you don't know about this movie let me fill ya in, for you are truly deprived. Now you don't have to see Evil Dead one or two to get this movie but it does help. In those two movies Ash finds the book of the dead, which brings evil spirits to life and attacks him and his bud's. Now in the second Evil Dead the evil gets into his had and he chops it off with a chainsaw. That is why Ash doesn't have a rite hand. So anyway at the start of this movie the book of the dead sends Ash back in time to the middle ages. He is then made a slave, and sent to the pit to die. He of course kicks ass and shows those primitive animals what a real man looks like, with a little help from his boom stick, cause he shopped smart, he shopped S Mart. Now the mid evil peeps set him free and like him telling him about the book of the dead and where he can find it, so he can get back to his time. He goes on a little adventure to find it. There are some pretty sweet scenes before the gets to the book, and an evil Ash is even replicated, in which the good Ash kills and chops up. Once he gets to the book of the dead, he kind of doesn't say all of the syllables of the words he is supposed to say to get home. So instead the book brings the army of the dead back to life to take the castle. Ash then rounds up the troops at the castle to fight the dead army, which is lead by the reincarnated evil Ash. The real Ash beats down their miserable bag of bones and is then sent back to his time. This is supposed to be somewhat of a horror movie but overall its just an amazing comedy. I can't say enough good about this movie. It has everything anyone could ever want. It has a she bitch, a boom stick, the army of the dead, two Bruce Campbell's, a mister fancy pants, and an old Buick with a steam engine. See what's not to love!!!!

Rating: 5 Yeti roars out of 5

Bachelor Party

"Boy George is cancelling his concert because he has a yeast infection". Tom Hanks is amazing in any movie he is in, and this is no exception. This movie is everything you want and could ask for in a 80's comedy. It is funny, witty, and well written. Tom hanks plays Rick, a somewhat underachiever who drives school bus and is in love with Debbie. The movie starts out with Rick getting all of his buddies together and announces he is getting married to Debbie. All of his buddies then decide it's time for one more night of freedom with a bachelor party. After this scene Rick is hanging out with Debbie and her parents who are a very proper rich couple, pretty much the complete opposite of Rick, so of course you can guess that they don't very much like him. Instead they like Cole, the preppy ass who they want their daughter to marry. The rest of the movie is the bachelor party and Cole trying to ruin it and ruin Ricks chances with Debbie. The party gets all crazy with hookers, a band, and even a donkey. So without ruining all the jokes of the movie go watch it for yourself. This is definitely a watch, so go, what are you waiting for, go enjoy it.

Rating: 4 Yeti roars out of 5

Death Race 2

Well this is what you would expect.... a bad sequel. But wait change of pace America this is not what you think, instead it's a bad prequel. It was a surprise to me to see a prequel and in fact it made the movie a little bit better. If you never saw the first movie I would tell you to defiantly watch that movie first and just skip this movie. I actually enjoyed the remake of Death Race starting Jason Statham. Because of the first movie being a good watch is the only reason why I gave this movie a shot. Now the acting is bad and the race sequences in this movie don't live up the first. The only shining light of this movie is Danny Trejo, simply because he is amazing. I always love to watch Danny in his small roles and always thought he adds something to the movies he is in. The main character Carl "Luke" Lucas is a getaway man who goes along with a bank robbery job, gets caught and then gets sent to Terminal island. Now the movie takes place in the future and in the future all prison systems are privately owned, because of this Terminal island holds death fights for profit. At one point in the movie Carl gets into a car and drives around the island. Now he didn't steal the car or anything but instead the inmates are used as cheap labor to fix them up and sell them. As he is driving around the evil bad lady who runs the death fights sees him and decides that death fights are not getting enough audience hits and creates death race. The concept is if the prisoner wins 5 races they will be set free but there is always the chance they can die. Carl wins 2 races and on the third he gets caught in a car fire, survives and is then forced to become a new driver called Frankenstein. At this point the movie ends and leads into the first movie. If you enjoyed the first movie I would say give this one a shot, otherwise just pass on it. 

Rating: 2 Yeti roars out of 5 

The Green Lantern

As far as green superheros go, the Green Hornet is way cooler, but I do have to say that the Green Lantern is pretty cool too. Now I know nothing about the Green Lantern comics, so with that I really had no reference in which to judge this movie. So instead I just sat back and allowed myself not to think, not to  have high hopes, and just be entertained. By the end of the movie I would have to say that I was definitely entertained and not disappointed. I enjoyed watching the special effects and the neat fighter jet scene. I do find Ryan Reynolds to be more of a 'funny man' kind of actor, but thought he did a fairly good job as the Green Lantern. I also enjoyed the plot concept of willpower vs. fear. I think it has real world applications and I'm sure everyone can relate to an experience when they had to use willpower to overcome a fear. So in that sense everyone is as cool as the Green Lantern. Especially the 40 some year old guy who sat in front of me at the theater wearing his Green Lantern t-shirt and replica ring, but he was there with a lady so I guess that means miracles do happen right. Now to explain the plot I'm going to use very general concepts cause all of the names in this movie are very "alieny" and I can't remember any of them. OK here we go, Hal Jordan is a great fighter pilot who only thinks of himself and blew it with his love along time ago. She is also the daughter of the man who Hal flys plains for, so they still get to see each other. The primary villan is a giant head thing, which gets its power from fear. He escapes his imprisonment, then starts destroying planets and kills one of the Green Lanterns, who lands on earth before dying. The ring then chooses Hal who becomes the new Green Lantern. He is flown up to the planet where all the lanterns are, and taught how to use his powers and there he is told he will never live up to his predecessor. Back on earth, an animal biologist completes an autopsy on the dead alien, and becomes infected from remnants of the flying head in the dead Lantern's body and turns into an evil big head guy himself. This new sidekick of the flying heas is also in love with the same lady as Hal which makes for so a small fight at the end of the movie for her. Hal defeats the big head guy and then has to defeat the giant floating head fear guy. There is also the story line of Hal wanting to quit being a Green Lantern but he can't, finding himself and overcoming, and the whole love story thing. Now I can't say that I would go out and buy this movie but it's still a definite rent for ya. So put on your green tights get out your sweet replica ring and let your green light shine on.

Rating: 3 Yeti Roars out of 5

The Evil Dead

I have to say that I am conflicted about this movie. You see overall this isn't that great of a movie, but Bruce Campbell has a very special place in my heart and I love any movie he is in, cause it's Bruce "F'ing" Campbell. Plus one of my all time favorite movies is Army of Darkness, and if you don't know Army of Darkness is the third movie in the evil dead series. There is an evil dead one and two, and then they used the same character Ash and made the epic Army of Darkness movie, which isn't anything like the Evil Dead serious. Now you do have to keep in mind this movie was made in 1982 and for its time I would imagine its pretty good. The story its self is simple, a group of friends go to a creepy cabin in the woods. They find this book called the necronomicon or the book of the dead, which is bound in human flesh. After listing to a tape from the man who had found it first and since died, all the evil spirits are released onto Ash(Bruce's character) and his friends. The first to go is one of the girls who goes out into the woods and is implanted with the evil by the evil trees, scary rite. She turns into this crazy witch zombie person and goes back to attack the cabin. Slowly they are all turned into zombies except Ash who kicks ass and saves the day. The bad make up and clay animation just make this movie something to laugh at. The lacking plot and very stale acting bring the movie down, but who cares it Bruce Campbell and he is the man. So put it in, and watch Bruce kick some book of the dead ass!!!!
Rating: 3 Yeti roars out of 5

Porky's

I had watched this movie about ten years ago when I was a younger lad and even then I hated this movie. Well, I got Porky's in a movie three pack, and I have to tell you I still hate this movie. I don't know why anyone would like this movie, but I do know a lot of people seem to like it, so I guess go ahead and check it out for yourself. Yes it does have the famous 'Peeping Tom' shower scene, but if you ask me it's not that great. First off all the girls in the movie are not hot or even somewhat good looking, and most of the scene all you see is the fat girl's ass. And if I wanted to see a fat ass I would just look at my own in a mirror, so move your ass and I guess let's look at the bad looking naked girls. Now seeing that this movie is a raunchy comedy it does have some funny scenes, but as they are few and are only a cheap laugh, who really cares, not me that's who. If you really want to know the premise some kids want to get laid, they go to Porky's redneck strip joint (with even uglier looking women, who look like if you were to even touch them you would have to see the doctor the next day for some cream and ointment, cause you def. just got the clap), and end up getting ripped off and kicked out. Then when they go back to get even they get their asses kicked, when finally at the end of the movie they get even. So if you like simple sex jokes, bad bad looking women, and fat rednecks then this movie is for you, but if you like to actually watch a good movie stay far far away.
Rating: 1 Yeti roars out of 5

The Rite

What we have here is another movie about exorcism that is supposedly based on a true story. Now why is it that everytime you watch a movie about exorcism it is based on a true story. Yea I guess it adds to the creepy aspect of the movie, but come on is anyone buying it? I have a hard time believing it, the only way I would believe you that there is a full fledged demon inside of you is if you just ate at Taco Bell, cause let’s be honest after you eat that future toilet explosion it takes over your body like something fierce. Now that little rant brings us full circle to the story of this movie. You see it starts out with Michael, who grew up the son of a mortician. The point is made that everyone in Michael's family grows up to be a mortician or priest, so he sets off to study the art of religion and become a priest. It shoots four years ahead when he has finished his studies and is ready to take his final vows, but he renounces his beliefs and is looking to drop out. The head priest talks to him and convinces him to go to Rome and take an exorcism class. Now did you know that you take a class to become an exorcist, well according to this move it is more than just splashing some holy water and book reading. You have to find out the demon's name, know who really is possessed and who isn't, and some other stuff that's not important. I think that if you turn all crazy, have you head turn fully around and talk in a crazy demon voice you’re probably possessed, or you just watched a Tom Cruise movie and went completely stupid from how bad his movies are. Well anyway Michael goes to Rome and meets Father Lucas played by the one and only Anthony Hopkins, who takes him along with him on his adventures of fighting demons and such. Father Lucas shows Michael the way, who is still all unsure of this religion demon thing, by casting out some demons and showing Michael acts of god. Now I did find this movie to be thought provoking, I myself am very unsure of the whole exorcism belief but it is something to think about. Throughout the movie the two try to help this nice young Roman lady, who even brings them bread the first time you see her in the movie. Which is nice, kind of funny if you think about it, "so yea, I have this demon inside of me, he helped my make this bread for you Father, so enjoy it when your eating your sandwich. Now splash some holy water on me and let’s do this!!!". At least that's what came to my mind when I saw the whole 'thanks for exorcism, here is some bread' scene. Anyway the movie goes on with the 'I believe, I don't believe' story line until Father Lucas himself gets possessed by a demon. Now the rest of the movie Father Lucas is possessed and only has underwear and a robe on like he just doesn't want to get up and face the day. He must be possessed by an 'I hate Mondays' lazy demon. Now it's up to Michael to save him and fight the demon. Overall this movie is good, a definite rent, and one of the better modern day horror suspense movies I have seen. So get out your holy water and crucifix and enjoy watching Anthony Hopkins bitch slap a little girl in his underwear (mind you he was possessed by a demon when he did it so don't hate Anthony for it, hate that bastard demon).

Rating: 31/2 Yeti roars out of 5